Wednesday, January 31, 2007

it's a big one!

This is a jam packed post! Thanks so much to everyone that commented thanking me for the Boys Are Cool paper pack! It is still available if you are looking for it. Just scroll down one post :)! I hope everyone enjoys the papers and gets a cute layout or two out of them!
Things have been quiet here! It's also been unbelievably COLD! I can't believe just how cold it has been. I haven't left the house at all. I love cold weather but this is a little too cold for me even *lol*! I've got some stuff I have to do tomorrow so my stay at home spree will soon be over!
I have made good use of this time :)! I'm sad to say I haven't cleaned a thing and boy does my house show it! My house's loss is your gain though! I've been designing like a mad woman! I've got some neat little goodies that I hope you'll like. I love them, they are such versatile elements! Don't you just love the way lose little flowers look clipped onto stuff? You can clip them onto photos, papers, alphas, ribbons or basically ANYTHING! They add a fun little bit of whimsy to your layout and they are perfect for that oh-so-hot freestyle trend going on out there in digiland! I made two seperate packs!
Here is the dark pack! You can find it at Elemental Scraps and A Cherry On Top!
These are regularly priced at the bargain of just $2! However you can catch them at 20% off until February 1st. That's just $1.60!

Here is the second pack of clipped flowers, the light colored flowers! Available at Elemental Scraps and A Cherry On Top! Also available at 20% Off until February 1st! Just $1.60!

If you can't get enough of these flowers, you can grab both packs at a little discount! Available at Elemental Scraps and A Cherry on Top! Regularly priced at $3.50, you can get it at 20% off for just $2.80 until February 1!
I hope you take advantage of the introductory sale, I just love these hawt clipped flowers!
I have been hard at work on my new collection, Everyday Celebrations! I have the first kit completed and I'm working on the second one now! If you stop by the blog tomorrow I might give you a little sneak peak of what is headed your way!
Aside from designing, I have done some scrapping too! I did the following page about my son, Tristan. He is such a tough little guy, it's amazing!

Read the credits HERE

This page is taken from lyrics of song Yellow by Coldplay. I have always thought of my sweet Gabriel, every time I hear this song!

Read the credits HERE!

That's it for now folks! Thanks for stopping by :)!

Sunday, January 28, 2007

gallery withdrawals and a free gift!

Ack! I'm suffering DST gallery withdrawal badly *lol*! It's so hard not to be able to browse through the gallery and look at all the prettyful layouts! I know work they are doing on the gallery is for the greater good but it is still hard when you are a long term gallery addict. I wasn't even aware that I browsed the gallery so much until it was gone! The inspiration at the DST gallery is unparalleled!

My weekend has been super quite. I haven't left the house at all! I've done some scrapping and designing and chatting *lol*! Talk about boring, huh?

I will actually be glad for the school week to start. I love my boys and I wouldn't take the world for them but I will be glad for a break! It's been a dreary snow filled day here. I'll be glad for Gabriel to get to go to school again tomorrow. I may even have plans for Tristan, we'll see!

I've still be going through my seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm up to season 5 now. Seasons 5-7 are my favorites! It is such a great show! If I haven't raved about it enough, here I go again! It's got it all, action, romance and comedy! You can't beat that combination!

Did I say free gift up there? Lemme see....I DID!! Here is a little giftie just for my blog readers! I designed this little paper pack here and then wasn't sure what to do with it. I hated to see it just sit and gather digital dust so I'm giving it to you! You get 12 papers, 7 patterns and 5 solids.

Boys Are Cool Paper Pack

Please Leave a comment if you DL the paper pack! It's the nice thing to do :)!

Finally I shall leave you with a layout I did earlier this week! It's about my depression and need for antidepressants. Very therapeutic page for me!

Ruffled Skirt by Traci Reed. Alpha by Gina Miller, Rhinestone border and Wire Heart by Jen Wilson. Bow by Shabby Princess. Fonts are Century Gothic and 2Peas Hot Chocolate.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

a new kit and some layouts!

Hey bloggers! I finished that kit, the one for *cough* Valentine's Day! I am really pleased with the way it turned out. It's a very boy friendly kit, you truly see too few of those for this *cough* holiday! Anyway, it is available at Elemental Scraps and A Cherry On Top for just $2 right now!! Grab it while you can for this amazing discount! (remember discount at ES is taken when kit added to cart).

So I didn't end up going on my date AGAIN! He got called into work at the last minute :(! So we are planning on getting together sometime this afternoon/evening! Hopefully it will actually happen this time *lol*.

Aside from finishing Hearts Aflame nothing really exciting happened yesterday! I am a boring, boring girl! So I'm just going to jump forward to the layouts I've been putting off sharing! Since DST gallery is down I can't linky you!

This one is A Quiet Moment, and these moments truly are much to rare in this house! I can't tell you how few and far between they actually occur.

Comfy Jeans by Traci Reed (ACOT) Laundry Label by Traci Reed. Folded Stitched Ribbon by Amy Martin, Ribbon Flower also by Amy Martin. Button from Silly Boy: Cuddlebug by Shabby Princess.

This is a layout of Gabriel at only 15 months old. He always has been the happiest baby in the world! Worn, Washed and Faded I by Kathy Moore. Paper bag alpha by Faith True, File sorter alpha by Amy Martin, Pinned ribbon by Amy Martin, Flower Patch by Shannon Lee Designs, Large Bracket by Carrie Stephens, Staple by Kim Christensen. Fonts are 2Peas Hot Chocolate and CK Rough Script.

Friday, January 26, 2007

another week bytes the dust!

I'm not entirely sure my day could have been any worse. Well, it probably could have, so I guess I should be thankful. I overslept this morning. That is always a wonderful way to start out the day! My oversleeping caused Gabriel to miss his school bus, I literally woke up at the exact minute his school arrives every morning.

So I'm scrambling becuase I have a counseling appt. I can't take Gabriel too school and make the appt so I decide to take him with me to the appt. Only I don't have enough time to disassemble his wheelchair, so that means I'll have to take him to the appt, turn around come back home get his chair and then take him to school. Fine, whatever, the important thing is that I make to my counseling appt.

So I run out the door, hair unbrushed, still wearing my pj's. I get to the counseling center and find out my counselor is OUT SICK. Great! UGH. So I turn around and come home. It's starts snowing heavily on the way home. I arrive at home and there is snow is in full gear my yard is white, there is snow all over the yard. So I decide not to take Gabriel to school because I figure it will let out early anyway.

We are both exhausted so I put him back to bed and crawled in bed myself. I woke a few hours later to a knock on my door. The family resource person at Gabriel's school was in the area and stopped by to see why he wasn't at school. What are the odds of that happening? I explained and she understood. It's not like Gabriel can be truant anyway, he's only 3 *lol*!

We talked a little bit about how Gabriel was doing and that everyone loved him so much. I got a chance to voice some concerns about Gabriel eating at school. He has thrown up everyday at school for over a week. This is partially because he is still sick. He has a cough that won't go away despite numerous trips to the dr and various attempts at treating it. He coughs so hard that when he is eating throws up. I also strongly feel that they aren't used to Gabriel's limitations food-wise. I think they aren't getting his food to the proper consistency. Gabriel has struggled with this cough for over 2 weeks now and he hasn't ever thrown up at home, so it's simply something they are doing at school!

Let's see, Lena tagged me a while ago, maybe a week ago or something. I kept forgetting to do it. It's name your 7 favorite songs. That's hard, I'm flakey about music. Anyway, here we go for this moment in time:

  1. Just Like Heaven by Katie Melua (currently playing on my myspace)
  2. Mad World by Michael Andrews featuring Gary Jules
  3. Hate Me by Blue October
  4. Brighter than Sunshine by Aqualung (currently playing on my blog)
  5. Blurry by Puddle of Mudd
  6. Fade Into You by Mazzy Star
  7. Come Black by Marilyn Manson

I am back in the full swing of designing now! I'm working on a new collection called Everyday Celebrations. Not sure when it will be done, but you will be the first to know!

I also updated the blog skin today :)! I was tired of the winterfest! I used my Jubilee kit which you can find at ACOT, ES and DSS! I'm really happy with the new look. You can see my new logo up on the new banner. It is almost the one year anniversary of Bella Gypsy Designs and it was time for a fresh new look.

Also, I know that I said I wasn't going to do a Valentine kit BUT I might. Not because I have changed my position on the *cough* holiday but becuase I came across a partially finished kit I started back in December that is sort of Valentine-ish. It's not pink or anything but surprisingly one of the papers has hearts on it and I did a heart element for it. I was surprised because I don't do that many heart papers or elements. I mean I HAVE done them but not all that often. Anywy the scheme is red, brown, cream and orange. Kind of boyish scheme. Since I just found it today, I might temporarily stop working on my collection and finish it up for release.

Wish me luck on my date tomorrow (actually today considering it's already 2:30 am!). I'm making dinner for him, chicken tacos. I think we are also going to watch a movie. Just going to play it by ear, I'll let you know how it goes :).

Monday, January 22, 2007

Coffee and Prozac

Oh what a night! I am so wide awake right now. You are supposed to take Prozac in the morning because it can cause problems sleeping. I have always tried to strictly adhere to this because I really have trouble sleeping in general.

Well today I forgot! That in and of itself is probably not all that terrible but I also developed a HUGE headache a few hours ago. It wouldn't let up! I took 800 mg of Ibuprofen and it had no effect at all. So I went to my last! So I whipped up a big old pot of Chocolate Truffle coffee and added some delish Gingerbread creamer. Voila! My headache is gone. I am however WIRED! I keep hoping I'm going to crash and maybe I will soon. I can only hope!

I was fairly ineffectual today. My headache didn't set in until a few hours ago but I felt fairly depressed today. I hate days like these. I didn't really get any cleaning done or any useful designing. Did I say designing? I did!

I actually did design a little today!! However, I'm not sure you'll ever see the fruits of my labor. The paper designs are fine, in and of themselves. however the color palette I was working with was a little difficult. I'm not completely happy with the end result. So I *may* toss it. Or it may become a freebie? Or I may just try and overhaul it completely. We'll see!

I have plans! I'm planning a collection. I don't have all the details worked out yet but I have the basic concept and I'm ready to start with it. I just need to flesh out some of the details tonight, or I may just start with the first paper pack, I'm anxious to bring it to life!

Finally a shall leave you with a layout! This was a really powerful layout for me.

Credits and Journaling can be read HERE!

Sunday, January 21, 2007

a little sale

A little business talk! Ha! It's been a while since I've done any self-promotion on here. Pardon me, if I'm a little rusty! No, I don't have anything new for you, yet. It's coming soon, trust me you'll be the first to know when I finally break out the new designs!

I'm having a little sale! Well, actually a big sale! Elemental Scraps is set for it's GRAND RE-OPENING! So I'm having a big 60% OFF sale! The discount is automatically taken when you put my items in your cart! Take advantage here:

Bella Gypsy Designs by Tabatha Reed at Elemental Scraps!

Since I'm having a sale at Elemental Scraps, I also decided to extend the sale to my ACOT store. I have a few things that aren't available at Elemental Scraps, so snag them at this great discount, while you can!

Bella Gypsy Designs by Tabatha Reed at A Cherry On Top!

I have to say, I am so exhausted! I have actually scrapped several pages today and yesterday. It was really nice to get those creative juices flowing again. That is the primary reason I feel that I will start to design again very soon. Again though, I don't want to force it, so I'm just going to go with the flow.

I will post some of the pages I have done tomorrow. I'm to tired to try and upload them and get them in the right spot on the blog post tonight. I'm really happy with them, they are some of my favorite layouts ever!

Aside from scrapping, I was a little cleaning nut today! I can't believe how much time I actually spent cleaning. I've still got a bunch left to do. That huge saga of illness that swept over my house really took it's toll on me and my house *lol*. Of course, no sooner than I had gotten my living room all nice and tidy my ex-husband drops by!

He hasn't seen the kids since BEFORE Christmas! It's a long story and I still feel that much time passing is inexcusable but...hey...whatever! So he finally stops in to see the kids and drop off their long awaited Christmas present. You'll never guess what it is. NO REALLY, you'll NEVER guess! I wouldn't have in a million years!

I never thought I would have a GIANT INFLATABLE PIRATE SHIP sitting in the middle of my living room. That's right, a giant inflatable pirate ship. Wait it get's better. There are balls. You know. Those big balls you find in ball pits at McDonalds and Chuck E Cheese? Yep, a giant inflatable pirate ship filled with balls. Can you guess where those balls are right now? Yep, everywhere but inside the ship.

Of course, I made the ex blow up the ship before he left because there was no way I was getting stuck with that job. Unfortunately I hadn't imagined that Tristan was going to delight in pulling the valve tops off, so the things keeps partially deflating. If he wasn't having so much fun with it I would just let it deflate entirely but I can't spoil his fun.

I watched Wedding Crashers finally! I know that movie has cobwebs growing off it but I just had never seen it. I'm everyone's back up partner for watching movies. You know, you generally have someone you go to the theater with or rent dvd's with? I'm second string. Everyone I knew had already seen it and I feel too guilty making someone watch something over again. I finally sucked it up and rented it by myself. I have to say it was quite anti-climactic. Not the movie, it was fine. Just all this time, I have thought I was missing out on some amazingly funny movie. I mean it was funny enough, it had some really cute moments but I felt disappointed. No doubt, I would have loved it had I not had this huge built up thing in my head about it. Anyway, it was okay!

Alright, I'm going to crawl to bed! Gabriel has school tomorrow and Tristan is driving me up the wall! I'm going to go curl up and put on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I'm still working my way through the 3rd season.

Please enjoy the sale!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

will it ever go away?

I feel like I've been sick for months! I know it's really only been about a week but good grief! I ended up not feeling well enough to go out (on my date) last night. So we have rescheduled for next Friday. I have to be well by then, right?

I hate being sick! It has been a total drain on my week, I haven't really managed to accomplish anything. I pretty much just layed around and watched tv. I did scrap one page, which I will share in a future blog post.

Oh I took Gabriel for a swallow test on Wednesday. They were looking to see if he was aspirating anything into his lungs while eating. You know he's had an 'incurable' cough for a couple of weeks now. Thank goodness, he isn't aspirating. The tech said his swallow isn't emptying well though. I'm not sure exactly what that means or if there is anything to be done about it. I guess I'll find out from the doctor next week.

I watched The Fog this week. I usually don't watch horror movies by myself but I decided I could handle it. It wasn't really all that scary. I'm not really sure I made a wise decision to watch a movie about a natural, common weather phenonomenon though. I don't need to go around being scared of fog, especially in Kentucky. Given the plot of the film, I don't think I have anything to be worried about though.

Let's see, did I watch anything else of interest? Oh yes, I watched Click. That was a pretty good movie. It was funny and poignant at the same time. That is a hard combination to attain! I would definitely add that one to your "to rent" list, if you haven't already seen it.

I also received my long awaited eBay wins this week. By long awaited, I mean a little over a week but I was so anxious for them to arrive I couldn't stand it. I received the first season of Big Love. Have you seen this show? It comes on HBO. It's stars Bill Paxton, Jean Tripplehorn, Chloe Sevigny and Gennifer Goodwin? Bill Paxton plays a polygamist and they are his three wives. It's a very compelling drama. The second season airs this summer, I can't wait!

Alas, my prized possession also arrived. All 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It's like the Holy Grail *lol*. Okay, maybe not but you get the idea! If you haven't ever seen this show (where have you been?) it airs on FX weekday mornings at 7 am EST. They are currently airing the fifth season. I have been loving watching it from the beginning again. I'm currently in the midst of watching the 3rd Season. Most fans think the 3rd season is the best. I do like it but I don't agree. The best season, in my opinion is the 6th. That show just got better and better the longer it aired.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

rough night...

Gabriel had a rough night last night :(. He was up and down all night and generally a very unhappy little boy. I'm soooo tired. I hit the snooze button three times this morning! Then I remembered I needed to put together the wheelchair *ugh*! I feel like a zombie but now I'm so awake after everything I couldn't possibly fall back asleep.

I went to the grocery store yesterday with just Gabriel. He wouldn't stop coughing the whole time, it was so pitiful. I felt so sorry for him. I hurried through the grocery store so I could get back home and call his doctor again.

The office managed to work us in so they could see Gabriel again. I also had Aunt Theresa meet us there so Tristan could have his stitches removed. Unfortunately, Gabriel's cough is still somewhat of a mystery. His chest sounds clear but he won't stop coughing. So the dr prescribed Zyrtec and Prevacid to see if that helps, she think it may be allergy or reflux related. If his cough is still persistant by next week we go back again! My poor little guy :(.

Tristan fought like a wildcat getting his stitches out. Luckily it was pretty quick. Unfortunately, he has an ear infection. It's only like his 3rd ear infection ever so I don't feel too bad. All in all, we were at the office for over 2 hours!

So I went and dropped the prescriptions off and met Aunt Theresa at McDonald's. We promised Tristan french fries for being so good. Of course, that was futile because when we got there he didn't feel like eating. The ear infection and the commotion of the stitches removal must have been hard on him. This boy has never met a french fry he didn't like. Much to my surprise, Tristan ended up going with my aunt, AGAIN! I do enjoy getting a break from him but it's strange for him to be spending so much time away from me.

So I came home and chatted with a fella I've been talking too for a bit. We set a date!! I can't believe I actually have a date! We are going out Friday night. It's been awhile since I've been on a date so I'm nervous. I'm sure it'll be alright. I'll let you know how it goes.

After I logged off the computer I curled up and watched The Lake House. It was a really neat movie! It's not your typical romance flick, very interesting premise and nicely carried out!

I've got an errand to run sometime this morning and I've got to retrieve Tristan from my aunt! Not sure how the rest of my day will go, just going to play it by ear!

Monday, January 15, 2007

still dragging...

I'm still feeling pretty under the weather. This has been such an odd illness. Gabriel has still got it bad too. He won't stop coughing, I'm going to call the doctor again today (if they open) and see about getting him in again. He's almost through with his course of steriods and antibiotics and I've seen NO IMPROVEMENT, if anything he's worse. My poor baby :(.

Yesterday was pretty slow here! My aunt dropped by and she offered to take Tristan with her for a few hours, of course, I was happy to oblige. When Gabriel went down for his nap I took the opportunity to have a boiling hot bubble bath. Then I went and curled up in bed and watched Howard the Duck! What a blast from the past that movie was.

I shopped Meredith's sale yesterday too. It was the first bit of digital shopping I've done in a while. I was trying to stop myself, I have well over 300 unused kits *lol*. Meredith's sale was just too good and I'm a die hard fan! I picked up her Personility Collection, Dude and Grungy Baby. Now I have all of her big collections.

Then I went out to my aunt's house to pick up Tristan and she wrangled me into making dinner *lol*. I make a chicken dish she absolutely loves, Tuscan Rosemary Chicken, try as she might she's never been able to make it like I do. So I made dinner and she ended up keeping Tristan!

Well, I'm off to the grocery store! I have to take advantage of only having one child! It's SO much easier to shop with only one kiddo in the cart!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

under the weather..

Ugh, ugh, ugh!! I have been feeling like total crap the past two days. No fever or vomiting but I've been nauseated, exhausted, scratchy throat and coughing. I've been pretty much lethargic for the past 48 hours. I rented the first two season of Desperate Housewives. I just brought the boys into my bedroom, put the baby gate up and "vegged out"!

I thought the boys would go nuts but they didn't, they have been really good. I'm glad to have finally finished all the shows. After 47 consecutive episodes of Desperate Housewives I was beginning to feel like I lived in Fairview right on Wisteria Lane *lol*! I'm not sure whether to be relieved or depressed that I have returned to reality!

well, just wanted to give a quick update on how I was doing! I have got to go to bed now before I crash into the keyboard!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

here goes nothing....

That's what I effectively did yesterday. Nothing. I pretty much just layed around and watched Grey's Anatomy. It was actually kind of nice. I just dropped by the pc to check my e-mail a couple times. I think I'm going to go back and pick up the rest of Grey's season 2 today. I think I am anyway, maybe I'll hold off, I'm not sure yet.

I must say, I'm a big fan of waking up before my alarm goes off. No really, I am. It's nice knowing that some annoying beep isn't the source of my awakening. It's even better that I'm waking up feeling rested. Sleeping is so NOT overrated!

I'm getting closer. I can feel the designing bug. I have sat down with the intention of designing a couple times and had to walk away. You can't force it and I'm not going to. Soon though.

Oh and heads up. No Valentine's Kit from me. I absolutely refuse. I thought about doing somehting cutesy for the kiddies but have decided against it. I *H*A*T*E* Valentine's Day. It's barely even a holiday, in fact it's not really a holiday. Don't see them stopping the mail or closing gov't offices, do ya? Oh and no offense, but I'm not using any v-day ct kits this year either. They are all full of meaningless sentiments and pink, so it's not happening.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I did it...

I finally caved and did it. I went out and rented the first season of Grey's Anatomy! Everyone just kept raving about what a great show it was. I finally just had to see for myself. Here is what I think...

If I had started watching this show from the first time it came on air. I'm not so sure that I would have continued to watch it. I mean, the first few episodes were okay. They weren't bad but they weren't great. Nothing happened that would have made me think "Wow, I can't miss the next episode of this show!" However, having rented it on DVD, it's safe to say I'm hooked. I can't put my finger on what happened but somewhere between...lets say...episodes 3 and 5...I got hooked. I finally was invested enough in the characters of the show to want to see what happened next. By the end of the 1st season I was fully engrossed.

So Grey's Anatomy didn't reel me in from the first shot like Lost but it has a lot of charm and warmth. The characters are real and endearing. From what I saw, they continued to get better and better throughout the first season. Now that is saying a lot. The first season is mere 9 episodes. Most television shows have between 22 and 26 episodes per season. If I recall correctly Grey's was a mid season replacement though.

Basically, what I'm saying, if you haven't seen this show RUN don't WALK to your nearest Blockbuster and rent it! Since the first season is so short you can buy it at Wal-Mart for $20, the second season will run you $48 though. I haven't started watching the second season yet. I did rent the first disc of the second season though. I think I'm going to go back and pick up the rest of the 2nd season today or tomorrow :)!

By the way, I did end up getting Tristan back yesterday :)! My aunt brought him home late last night. He was sound asleep. He woke up a few hours later but quickly went back to sleep!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Snow day!

Today is the first snow day of Gabriel's school career! Of course, I was up and already had him ready before the announcement came. Funny, I remember this school district doing the same thing when I was in school. It was annoying then too!

I was up long before the alarm went off anyway. I was so tired last night. I conked out at 7:30!! Having gone to bed so early, I kept waking up all through the night. I made myself go back to sleep every time though. Finally I had to get up around 4:45!

I still don't have Tristan! My aunt has kept him all this time. He is handful but I miss him so much. I'm not sure that I can get him back today either :(! My aunt lives out in the boondocks and the roads are snowy and icy. As a general rule, she doesn't travel out when the weather is like this. It's not really safe for me to try and go up either.

Gabriel has a doctor's appointment this afternoon too. I really don't want to cancel it. He has a nasty cough. Funny though, that is all he has, just a cough, no other symptoms. I guess I'll just see how the roads are when the time comes.

I'm happy to report, he's back to sleep now :)!! Maybe I'll go back to bed in a bit. It's not often that I get the chance. I'm watching the most messed episode of Buffy right now *lol*. It's Restless, the finale of the fourth season. It's definitely kind of out there! They are all stuck in a nightmare.

I got tagged by Lena yesterday, I guess I'm gonna do it. I don't really know that I have a bunch of interesting secrets to share though. The challenge is share 5 secrets. Okay, so here's my try...

  1. I'm only one semester shy of having a Bachelor's Degree in English. I have no plans to return to college to achieve said degree. I may never go back and I'm okay with that, though it seems everyone else has a problem with it.
  2. My Christmas tree is still up. One year, it stayed up until March. It may stay up that long this year. I don't really care so much.
  3. I'm overweight and I have no immediate plans to lose weight. Life is too short to worry about calories and fat grams. I eat what I want and I don't feel guilty about it. I love food and feel sorry for people who spend a lot of time worrying about their weight and what they can or cannot eat. I refuse to define myself by how much I weigh.
  4. I don't know if I believe in God anymore. Part of me does and part of me isn't so sure. I always used to think I would feel incredibly sad if I lost my faith in God but I don't feel that way at all. I don't really feel anything. Maybe I'll have a renewal of faith, maybe I won't.
  5. I drink Pepsi, almost exclusively. I never drink water and I only drink milk or juice a few times a year. A few times a week, I drink coffee (well creamer with a little bit of coffee).

Fun stuff, eh? Mostly I'm learning to accept myself. I have no ambition to return to school or lose weight. I'm content with myself the way I am. That gives me great peace. True, I suffer from depression. My depression is not environmental or situational, it's clinical. Perhaps, a chemical imbalance. Perhaps an unhappiness that lies deeper than anything I'm capable of controlling. What I do know, is that I'm not perfect. No one is perfect. No one's life is perfect. It doesn't matter how it looks from the outside. It's all just a facade. No one has it all together. Everyone has their demons and telling the world how wonderful your life is won't make them go away.

I refuse to crucify myself for my flaws. I will accept myself, the good and the bad. I will love myself. I may not be perfect. I may not always be completely happy but I will be true to myself.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Feeling rested...finally!

I can't believe I haven't blogged in a week! It's been an interesting week adjusting to Gabriel going to school. We were trapped in the most awful sleep schedule imaginable. I mean it, I was sooo exhausted all the time.

Gabriel did great at school, or so I'm told anyway! It's really weird that he is away from me for part of the day and I'm not sure exactly what is going on while he is at school. Everyone tells me he is doing great and that everyone really loves him there.

For the second time in a week, I am childless! My aunt Theresa came by and picked up the boys Saturday night. I was soooo exhausted. We were stuck in this terrible schedule of sleeping from 5 pm until about 3 am. It's a really weird schedule to keep and I constantly felt drained.

So when aunt Theresa showed up and 6 pm we were practically asleep. She took the boys and managed to keep them up until 11 at her house, I was very impressed by that. I was here by myself and I only managed to make it until 8:30 before conking out. Of course, then I woke up at 1:30 am and felt wide awake *ugh*. So I got up and took a sleeping pill. It's not actually a sleeping pill. It's an antidepressant with a strong drowsy side effect. I used to take them regularly before I went off all my meds and our schedule got so out of wack.

The pill knocked me back out. When aunt Theresa showed back up at 9 a.m. I could barely crawl out of bed. She ended up taking Tristan back home with her, leaving me with just Gabriel. I was so tired and sluggish yesterday I could barely function. I even took a nap with Gabriel and it didn't help. So I went to bed at 10:30 last night and woke up this morning at 6:08 am, a full 22 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off and I FEEL GREAT! I have felt so refreshed and rested today. It's been great!

I'm still waiting for Aunt Theresa to return Tristan back home and Gabriel doesn't get off the bus for another half hour. This morning, I went grocery shopping and did some cleaning. I've got more cleaning to do still. I'm going to do a load of laundry also, I think.

Beyond that, I'm not sure what the rest of my day will hold. I'm going to watch Fat Like Me tonight on Lifetime. I may scrap a page. I'm also finally feeling like I might design a little, we'll see!

Monday, January 01, 2007

on the first day of the year....

There truly is something so hopeful about the first day of the year. So many possibilities. The perfect opportunity for a fresh start. Unfortunately, despite having been back on Prozac for a little over a week, I'm more depressed than ever. It's so frustrating. The horrible part is that I can't pinpoint a cause. It's not that I don't have anything to be depressed about but rather when I think about all the different things in my life none of them evoke feelings of sadness.

I guess the biggest thing going on right now is that Gabriel starts school tomorrow. It's not that I'm sad about it. Now honestly, I am a little sad. He is my baby after all. My first born. However, I know it is absolutely the best thing for him. As my sister, Lena, so rightly put it, It is a rite of passage and Gabriel has had too few rites of passages in his life. So while I'm a little sad mostly I'm worried. I'm worried that he can't communicate with me. I'm worried that they don't understand the gravity of his condition. I know they have his best interest at heart, and I know they are going to do whatever they can to teach him and help him learn things and become more independent. I know it's going to be a good experience for him. I still can't help but worry about him being away from me for half the day and him not being able to tell me what his day was like and all that stuff.

I'm not all that upset that I didn't get the paperwork to them on Friday. I want to go with him on his first day. I don't plan on staying or anything like that but I need to talk to them. I need to make sure they understand about his sippy cup and warm milk and needing to be fed and that he doesn't like to sit up for long periods of time. I know they are going to try and teach him how to drink out of a cup and feed himself and sit like "normal" child but I also need to know that they understand his limits and will back off when he has reached it.

I know he'll do just fine at school. He does have awareness of his surroundings but honestly, he's not really bonded to me :(. He reacts to anyone the same way he reacts to me. I know that won't be an issue for him at all. I'm just worried about the way they are going to handle him. I'm worried about the other kids. I'm worried that he's going to be sick a lot. He has a compromised immune system, I'm scared he's going to get everything that goes around. The most horrible part is when he catches something it's always twice as bad as it is for Tristan, so I'm worried that he's going into the school system at the height of cold and flu season and he's going to end up so sick he can't even go to school, not to mention passing it to Tristan (and potentially myself). Okay, that's enough of that. The point is, I'm just worried.

Is that enough to bring on this overwhelming depression? I don't really know. I don't think so but I'm certainly not a mental health professional. So I suppose it is possible. However, in the past, when I've been depressed whenever I thought about whatever I was depressed about I felt deeply sad over it, even more sad than I was already feeling. I don't get that thinking about Gabriel starting school. I have this nervous butterfly thing going on when I think about it. It's going to bring a big change to our life.

The day has been nice so far. We all took a nice long nap. Unfortunately, Tristan woke up before me and very quietly and sneakily got into my make up bag. Ugh, another lipstick ruined. What is it with this kid and lipstick?

I had planned on ordering chinese food for dinner but my aunt dropped by and surprised me with dinner. I'm a little disappointed because I really wanted the chinese food but her dinner was yummy and the gesture was truly appreciated. It was a very nice thing of her to do! I guess I'll just save the chinese for another night this week.

I'm currently working on a scrapbook page, the first one I've done in weeks. One of my resolutions was to try and scrap a page a day. That may be a bit unrealistic but I'd like to get at least 3-4 pages a week done. I'm trying to get my mojo going again. I haven't designed in over a month *ack*. I am going to try and start a new kit this week.

I did have a few more resolutions, or as i like to call them, intentions ;)! I'm going to try and get more organized, stay on meds, make more time for myself and do the daily Battlefield of the Mind devotions. Here's to hoping this year is better than the last...