on the first day of the year....

There truly is something so hopeful about the first day of the year. So many possibilities. The perfect opportunity for a fresh start. Unfortunately, despite having been back on Prozac for a little over a week, I'm more depressed than ever. It's so frustrating. The horrible part is that I can't pinpoint a cause. It's not that I don't have anything to be depressed about but rather when I think about all the different things in my life none of them evoke feelings of sadness.

I guess the biggest thing going on right now is that Gabriel starts school tomorrow. It's not that I'm sad about it. Now honestly, I am a little sad. He is my baby after all. My first born. However, I know it is absolutely the best thing for him. As my sister, Lena, so rightly put it, It is a rite of passage and Gabriel has had too few rites of passages in his life. So while I'm a little sad mostly I'm worried. I'm worried that he can't communicate with me. I'm worried that they don't understand the gravity of his condition. I know they have his best interest at heart, and I know they are going to do whatever they can to teach him and help him learn things and become more independent. I know it's going to be a good experience for him. I still can't help but worry about him being away from me for half the day and him not being able to tell me what his day was like and all that stuff.

I'm not all that upset that I didn't get the paperwork to them on Friday. I want to go with him on his first day. I don't plan on staying or anything like that but I need to talk to them. I need to make sure they understand about his sippy cup and warm milk and needing to be fed and that he doesn't like to sit up for long periods of time. I know they are going to try and teach him how to drink out of a cup and feed himself and sit like "normal" child but I also need to know that they understand his limits and will back off when he has reached it.

I know he'll do just fine at school. He does have awareness of his surroundings but honestly, he's not really bonded to me :(. He reacts to anyone the same way he reacts to me. I know that won't be an issue for him at all. I'm just worried about the way they are going to handle him. I'm worried about the other kids. I'm worried that he's going to be sick a lot. He has a compromised immune system, I'm scared he's going to get everything that goes around. The most horrible part is when he catches something it's always twice as bad as it is for Tristan, so I'm worried that he's going into the school system at the height of cold and flu season and he's going to end up so sick he can't even go to school, not to mention passing it to Tristan (and potentially myself). Okay, that's enough of that. The point is, I'm just worried.

Is that enough to bring on this overwhelming depression? I don't really know. I don't think so but I'm certainly not a mental health professional. So I suppose it is possible. However, in the past, when I've been depressed whenever I thought about whatever I was depressed about I felt deeply sad over it, even more sad than I was already feeling. I don't get that thinking about Gabriel starting school. I have this nervous butterfly thing going on when I think about it. It's going to bring a big change to our life.

The day has been nice so far. We all took a nice long nap. Unfortunately, Tristan woke up before me and very quietly and sneakily got into my make up bag. Ugh, another lipstick ruined. What is it with this kid and lipstick?

I had planned on ordering chinese food for dinner but my aunt dropped by and surprised me with dinner. I'm a little disappointed because I really wanted the chinese food but her dinner was yummy and the gesture was truly appreciated. It was a very nice thing of her to do! I guess I'll just save the chinese for another night this week.

I'm currently working on a scrapbook page, the first one I've done in weeks. One of my resolutions was to try and scrap a page a day. That may be a bit unrealistic but I'd like to get at least 3-4 pages a week done. I'm trying to get my mojo going again. I haven't designed in over a month *ack*. I am going to try and start a new kit this week.

I did have a few more resolutions, or as i like to call them, intentions ;)! I'm going to try and get more organized, stay on meds, make more time for myself and do the daily Battlefield of the Mind devotions. Here's to hoping this year is better than the last...