Thinking hard....

I hate change. I really do. I'm such a creature of habit. My life has been full of constant change for the last 3 months or so. I feel like I'm going to crack under the pressure.

Having just passed my wedding anniversary has spurred a lot of thinking about being seperated. Do I really want to be divorced? Does anyone? Would anything change if we reconciled? I don't know. I want to believe things could be better but I don't know. I don't know if I can ever trust him again.

I'm currently in a relationship with a guy I like a lot. I'm just not sure if it's going anywhere. I don't think it is. As much as I want to be with him, we are just, at the core, very different. Maybe too different. Now I know if I break up with my boyfriend, that does not mean I have to reconcile with my husband. Of course, that is in my nature. I have a dependent personality. I need to be able to depend on someone. I think at the core, that is how my guy and I are most different. He is very independent, and I am not. Of course, I'm sure out of those two scenarios his is healthier emotionally, than mine is. I just don't know how to change it.

I just look at my life. Five years of marriage and two children, one with special needs. It seems wrong to throw it away, to walk away from it. I don't know that I can do it.